Understanding the Drama Triangle

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

– Viktor E. Frankl

Understanding the Drama Triangle: Victim, Villain, and Hero

Last week during our weekly Skeen Stronghold call, we introduced the concept of drama, and how it can show up in our lives. 

We talked about how drama is less about external circumstances and more about the stories we tell ourselves that amplify conflict, tension, or urgency—leading to unnecessary stress and disconnection in our relationships and daily lives.

As we discussed, drama goes beyond an exaggerated stage act or a heated argument—it’s any moment when we get emotionally worked up without a legitimate reason. 

Think about it: how often have you lost sleep worrying about future issues or potential threats on the horizon that simply never materialized? That’s a perfect example of drama in action.

It’s fueled by the stories we tell ourselves, and these stories place us squarely in one of three roles: victim, villain, or hero. Each persona invites others to step into complementary roles, locking us into a continual cycle of conflict and misunderstanding.

Why We Create Drama: The Need for Control and Significance

At its core, drama arises from our innate need to feel a sense of control and significance in a world that often feels unpredictable. When life presents us with challenges, we create stories to make sense of our experiences and protect ourselves emotionally. These stories, however, are often distorted and amplified by our fear, insecurity, or unmet expectations. 

For instance, playing the victim allows us to garner sympathy and avoid responsibility, giving us a sense of control over our perceived helplessness. 

Acting as the villain lets us channel frustration into judgment, momentarily reclaiming power in situations where we feel slighted. 

Similarly, stepping into the hero role satisfies our desire to feel needed and important. 

While these roles may offer temporary relief or validation, they trap us in a feedback loop of conflict and disconnection. The first step on short-circuiting this machine? Recognizing for ourselves specifically why we create drama in the first place.

Victim Drama: The Danger of Fear-Based Stories

Victim drama begins when we tell ourselves stories that amplify our fears and insecurities. These narratives make us feel powerless, as if life is happening to us. A victim might think, “Nothing ever goes my way,” or “Why does this always happen to me?” While these stories invite sympathy, they also push others into roles. Someone might step in as a hero, trying to fix things, or they might lose patience and become a villain, resenting the constant complaining.

To break free from victim drama, recognize the power you still have. You can ask yourself: What’s a more empowering story I can tell myself right now? Reframing your narrative to one of empowerment shifts your energy from helplessness to possibility.

Villain Drama: Anger and Judgment Take the Stage

Villain drama emerges when we create stories about how others should act or behave. These judgmental narratives fuel anger: “How could they treat me like this?” or “They should know better!” In the villain role, we justify our feelings of resentment by painting others as the problem. But in doing so, we invite them into victimhood—or push them to become heroes, scrambling to meet our unspoken expectations.

The antidote to villain drama is curiosity. Instead of making assumptions, ask: What might they be experiencing that I don’t see? When you replace judgment with understanding, you diffuse anger and create space for authentic connection.

Hero Drama: The Allure and Peril of Over-Responsibility

Hero drama feels altruistic and noble—at first. It’s the story we tell ourselves when we believe others can’t manage without us. Heroes swoop in to save the day, but over time, this role takes its toll. When heroes feel unappreciated or overburdened, they often snap and become villains, resenting those they once helped. The cycle is complete, and drama goes on.

To step out of hero drama, practice discernment. Ask yourself: Am I helping because they truly need it, or because it makes me feel valuable? Empower others instead of rescuing them. Support doesn’t mean doing it all—it means believing in their ability to grow.

Shifting Out of the Drama Triangle

Breaking free from the drama triangle requires awareness, intention, and practice. Here are 5 tactics to help you make the shift:

• Pause and reflect: Identify which role you’re playing and why.
  
• Reframe your story: Challenge your assumptions and seek a more empowering narrative.
  
• Practice curiosity: Dig deeper and ask open-ended questions to understand others’ perspectives.
  
• Set boundaries: Say no to over-responsibility and let others own their challenges as an opportunity for growth.
  
• Focus on solutions: Redirect energy from blame to constructive action.

The Ripple Effect

When you step out of the drama triangle, you not only liberate yourself; you also create space for others to follow suit. Drama thrives on cycles of reaction, with each role—victim, villain, and hero—feeding into the others. 

By consciously refusing to play these roles, you disrupt the cycle, showing others that there’s a healthier way to interact. This shift can be transformative, not just for you, but for your relationships and the environments you navigate.

The immediate benefit of stepping out of drama is the reduction of stress. Without the need to constantly defend, blame, or rescue, your emotional bandwidth opens up. This clarity allows you to see situations more objectively—free from the distortive lenses of fear, anger, or self-righteousness. Decisions become easier, communication improves, and misunderstandings are less likely to escalate into full-blown anger or conflict.

When drama no longer consumes your life energy, you become free to redirect it toward what truly matters—building an amazing life of freedom and possibility.

–Jack

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