Facts versus Stories

Drama occurs when you turn some small slight or problem into something big and bad!  And you may be doing this all of the time.  Two of the most important skills you can master in life are learning to differentiate facts from stories and then mastering holding your stories lightly.

In Stephen Covey’s classic 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he tells the story of riding the subway in NYC on a quiet Sunday morning when a father boarded with his three young children.  The children started to misbehave, and Covey found himself getting more and more irritated.  “Why can’t this man better manage his children”, he was thinking.   Finally, he couldn’t take it any longer and he told the man to get his kids under control.  The father looked up at him and said, “I am so sorry, but we just left the hospital where their mother died.”  Covey realized he had fallen prey to the power of his story.

Facts are the things that are actually occurring.  A man boarded the train with 3 children.  One child pushed the other child.  The child that was pushed started crying.  These are all facts.  Everyone would agree with them.

Now, let’s focus on the stories.  The children are “misbehaving”.  The dad “can’t control” his children.  These are things Stephen made up.  They explained what was occurring but happened to be totally incorrect.  That is the problem with stories.  Our mind quickly creates them but rarely considers that they might be wrong.  Our emotions are shaped by our stories and our reactions follow on the heels of our emotions.

How many times have you created a story about something that happened only to discover what you imagined to be true wasn’t true at all?  A friend didn’t call when you expected and you are certain they don’t really like you.  A relative turned down your invitation to a special event and you took it as an insult.  Your boss didn’t give you a good review and you know you are on the shortlist to be laid off.

How can you be sure?  Learn to notice your stories and to hold them lightly.  One way to do this is to generate alternative stories to the one you made up.  Perhaps your boss was in a bad mood.  Perhaps you haven’t been very attentive to his feedback recently.  Perhaps he is giving you cues on how to be better because he values you so much.

When you master these skills, you will find yourself much less certain in many situations.  And you will discover that you are much more at peace.  Give it a try.