Civility: Listening

Civility is defined as courtesy, politeness; a polite act or expression. A few observations about civility:

• The world works better with more civility.
• Civility is something each of us can choose.
• We can choose civility at any moment each day.

In previous posts we focused on getting over yourself and making who you are BEING at least as important as what you are DOING.  Now, we add the critical skill of listening well.

When you talk you share your wisdom, judgments, knowledge, prejudices, wants and needs.  Talking is critical for shaping the world as you want and need it to be.  Until you know yourself well and know how to clearly express yourself you won’t have much power to shape your life and circumstance.

But when you listen…you LEARN!  Learning is the path of expansion, of growth.  Taking in new information allows you to add to and alter what you know.  It makes you smarter and wiser.  Listening trumps talking 90% of the time because it makes you better.

Notice that talking and listening are mutually exclusive.  You can’t talk and listen at the same time.  Even when you aren’t talking you may not be listening. How often when others are talking are you impatiently waiting to talk and so aren’t really listening at all?

To be good at listening you must learn to settle yourself, to be quiet, receptive and patient.  I often describe this skill as learning to play a friendly game of tennis.  You lob the ball over the net and then wait.  You have no idea where or when the ball will come back your way but you are paying attention.  Now, here it comes.  You move to the right location and, hopefully, lob it back across the net.  When you are skilled at playing a friendly game of tennis, you aren’t aggressive.  You aren’t trying to win.  You are accommodating and easeful.

Practice this week.  Notice when you aren’t listening and let go of your opinion.  Be fully present to what the other person is saying.  See if you can rephrase what they said without changing it.  Next, listen for the reason underlying their communication to you.  Why did they say it?  What do they want from you?  Only when you have a pretty good sense, open your mouth and while saying as little as possible, lob the ball back to them.